Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
