Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Randomize
