For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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