It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
