My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
