The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
