I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
