Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
