Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
