I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.