Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
