Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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