dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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