Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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