My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
