You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
