Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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