hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Randomize
