do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
