I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
