my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
