I'm really into asian looking animals
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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