I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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