if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
