if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
So many bounce houses so little time
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"