Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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