Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
