I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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