Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
