smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
thus making me awesome and them whores
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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