I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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