Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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