I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
