HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
