I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
