the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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