have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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