couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
