you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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