I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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