WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
