Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
