i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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