When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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