did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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