someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
