saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
