Got a toothbrush?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you didnt know i had herpes?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
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