I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
