Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
