Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Even my vagina gasped.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
