I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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