Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
