look no pants
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
