I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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