there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
