small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.