I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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