I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
