my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I am available for nakedness
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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