Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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